more love. more learning.

week two.
frustrating.
i felt alone and tired and more overwhelmed than i knew was possible.
standing in the shower i begged god for something, for someone, for some love because my heart felt so alone,i felt so pushed away.
it wasnt until a couple days later that i realized what He was up to. Simply put, he was making me raw. God was stripping me of all my security, of close friendships and comfort so the only thing that would be left was Him. I hated Him for it, and at the same time it made me realize that He loved me so much more than I could ever fathom; the God of the universe wants me for Himself? He wants all my of my attention and devotion and time so He can love on me and carve me into something radiant? why? His answer? i love you. every time.

not only did i feel alone but i was unhappy. unhappy with being alone, with attitudes that had crept up, with simply being where i was at. i was restless and ready to leave. god stepped in with a quote; 'being happy doesnt mean everything is perfect, it means looking beyond the imperfections'. point taken god, thanks. i realized at that moment that i needed to be happy with today, with where i was, with who was around me. i wrote 'i need to suck it up and embrace it...because this is where god's placed me and this is where i'll remain.' no statement could be more true.

by the end of training god had changed me. in two weeks i had melted and god had started chipping away at the old layers of who i was. he innovatively breathed into me that he loved me, that i was valued and that life is now...where im at. how amazing is my heavenly father?

training in love.

that first week of training god poured his love into me & restored me.in the quietest moments he whispered to me about my worth and how much i meant to him. i am his! it was in those same moments that he began to speak to me about my future and i, although timid and prideful began to listen. my dreams had been so tightly clutched in my hands like a small child with tiny fingers curled around their most prized toy. as god spoke to me my grip began to become less and less and my fingers began to uncurl, my heart opening. he spoke to me about letting go, about trusting him with many fears that crept into the back of my mind, and wrestled with me to understand that simply put, it was going to be ok.

i finished week one of training with open eyes and a loosened grip on my life. i understood how much my god loved me and just how precious i was to him. it was something that before i had never fathomed, and never thought about. i asked god for open doors and clear signs in my life that week; not knowing that he would blow me away in answered prayer.

summer.

its coming to a close & its hard to believe. about 12 weeks ago I was hauling all my luggage into the townhouses at springhill & meeting everyone on my team for the first time. we were all awkward & quiet, not knowing what personalities we were coming into contact with. how odd to think about that hot, sticky day sitting in the gym around a table; our eyes shifting awkwardly, floating over objects, soaking in this new summer. i now look back at our last day at camp; hugging & avoiding goodbyes, the awkward gone and replaced with a new familiarity, a new comfort. how strange to think that my time at springhill is over.

god taught me so much during my time at springhill. the summer was full of imperfections, full of heart ache, frustration, defeat and broken expectations...but it was a summer of beauty. my 10 weeks at camp were lovely, full of good conversation, community and God; God in so many ways that I was not aware He could show himself to me in. He consumed me, ate me up & loved on me even when I fought it. He spoke to me, He yelled at me & He scooped me up. I didn't deserve it, not for a second but He helped me learn so much.

I want so share what God showed me, what He breathed into me & what my summer at springhill brought into my life, so in the coming days the stories will unfold. my heart and experiences will be raw...right here. buckle up folks.

today.

this afternoon i lay on a tapestry in the grass with Brennan & enjoyed simply being. we talked about our pasts & soaked in the sun. i walked to dinner barefoot & we ate. afterwards we indulged in too much ice cream with far too many toppings. we came back to the office to peruse wedding blogs, facebook videos & creative sites; sitting in silence until we were blessed by the simple ramblings of a guitar, soon joined by piano and saxaphone.

god is good. today was simple & whimsical & wonderful.

the hair story.

two weeks ago i had long, messy, blonde hair. it covered my shoulders & my bangs were swoopy & lovely. it curled on hot sticky days and was more often than not a mess of wave & sun bleached wisps. i loved my hair. i loved the way it had an indie, messy, relaxed look. i liked that i could pull it up when my neck was hot & i could straighten it on special occasions. i was complimented on it, it was very much a part of me & i had no intentions of changing that.

while lying in bed one night chatting with two girls from the office we started tossing around the idea of pixie cuts. pixie cuts? cutting off my long hair? i seriously considered it, became terrified & pushed it out of my mind.

pushed out of my mind until the next day when we packed ourselves into a car, went to the local grocery store & bought scissors.

back at camp, four of us then gathered in a circle, fingers entwined & gave our hair to God. our hair was what defined our beauty, what made us feel good, what we held onto. wanting God to define our beauty, we gave it up & asked God to help us see ourselves through his eyes. terrifying.

one by one we pulled our hair into pony tails & cut them off.

i felt raw & exposed & funny & even ugly. but then God told me that he made me & that I could rock short hair. so i have. i wear headbands everyday & can actually pull of berets & hats. it takes me about 2 minutes to wet, wash, condition & rinse. my neck is never hot & i am learning to like the short hair.

there are days i hate it. there are days i want to get a white girl weave & days i wish i had never done it but i know God shines through this. & i know i am a stronger person because i am being defined by me & nothing else.

so long hair, it was fun.

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within
[inda.arie - i am not my hair]

week onepoint7

last week was tiresome, stressful; a trainwreck.
we had a situation at camp that had activities shut down, people in panic & leadership baffled.
i must admit, my attitude during this was crappy. i was whiny, angry, panicked & selfish. i went home upset & stressed which then carried over to coming back stressed and unrested.

god wrecked that.

number one, he said erica, shut up, im going to take care of you. actually it went more like this: when the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, the Lord, will answer them. I, the God of Israel, will never abandon them. [isaiah 41:17] point taken god, thanks.

number two, i was reminded that this is week 1.7...one.point.seven. not week 6.7, not leftovers from last week plus some new stuff from this week, but a completely different week; a week full of opportunity & chances to make things good. the attitudes of the people around me were contagious, the hope of week 1.7 creeped into my heart & i was so thankful for the gentle reminder.

number three, god changed my life. but that deserves its own title, its own post, its own space. simply put, god is loving, he is amazing & gracious, he cares & hopes & holds on.

week 1.7? best.week.ever.

here's the last two weeks in a nutshell:


1 am or later nights last week.

frustrating, tiresome days full of too much sunshine, too much attitude & not enough sleep.

a beautiful needed afternoon at the lake with some fun people & cute little boys.

jesus' love in the form of brennan marie.

an hour in the barn simply spending time with the baby bunnies, horses & little goats. simple love.

hot, terribly hot, days.

a day of over 800 pictures.

too many wesco runs.

feeling like people DO know who i am after 5 weeks of being here.

two weeks of watching no one getting broken at the skate park! [praise god]

a package from my mama.

online shopping.

god's amazing infinite love becoming so incredibly apparent

beautiful skies

smugmug.

plus so much more. but these moments are what is in my brain at the moment. im done with work for the week & get to surprise my little brother for his 13th birthday tomorrow. life is pretty good. god loves me. its insane. 4 more weeks here...it blows my mind!

xoxo